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Thursday, March 10, 2016

Being RA

One pleasant thing in the last few months has been finding a term that vastly better fits me than an old one, hence I can say I've 'changed', in terms of self description, from poly to RA .
Looking back and trying to find any precursive stuff to gender transition, that's the thing that most stands out. It was something I first expressed in my late twenties and wasn't particularly about romantic relationships, which I'd always seen as ideally somewhat open, but more about friendships. I grew more and more dissatisfied with referring and categorising people around me into friends, acquaintances, partner, work colleague and the like. Not so much because I was desperate to change any such particular status but because that sort of taxonomy seemed for me to put a stop to how each relationship might develop and kept me comfortable but unambitious in the middle of such.
So basically I spent a few weeks going around apologising to 'friends', exchanging ideas and reiterating my conviction that I should try and avoid such relationship structures and sets of expectations as far as possible. And that I take as a prime RA thing, to constantly have ambition for every relationship around. Of course one can do that without actually calling it RA but it seems to help some sort of belief to counter any internal ranking or structure of self to the relationships around. I think that change was part of the reason why having a wide chosen family has been such an important part of my life since then.
I guess the main way I see that as a precursor is that it came mainly out of a dissatisfaction with the emotional possibilities normally offered by society. Post social transition and the complexity and satisfaction I derive from being with people around me has increased more than I could ever have predicted. And certainly they've helped me cope with many of transition's strains. I seem to have a few mother sister patterns, younger women who I look at partly as daughters but also as older sisters. Those are possibly the most supportive. But I'm lucky enough to live in the middle of a constant social stream where I can engage with a whole set of different people and a large spectrum of possible engagement.
And I think more than anything it's the rewards that come from greater complexities and closer engagements, that are my present reality that most give me the feeling of transition as a coming home...

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